sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
