i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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