I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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