I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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