you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we're making bets on your personal life
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
