he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
