I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"