How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
