now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
All I want is dick and wine.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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