If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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