I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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