she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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