just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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