Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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