I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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