Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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