They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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