I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Welp...herpes.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
