I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
