I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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