It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
