i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
