remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
