I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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