Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
