the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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