oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
