the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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