I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
