we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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