and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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