i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Randomize
