I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
