you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
