Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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