I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
