we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I think a kid would responsible me up
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
