I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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