I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh god it's open bar.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
