Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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