so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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