Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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