Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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