Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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