I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
not ubering you a puppy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
