No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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