My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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