If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize