I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
