we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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