Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
