I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
