fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
