can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
