I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
